#31: Confidence: How Do We Cultivate It?
Poor self-esteem is one of the toughest things to live with. And that’s coming from someone whose suffered quite a great deal because of it.
Luckily, time was a great teacher. And I’m about to lay upon thee, some wisdom acquired from the years past.
How can you improve your self-confidence?
1: Dress To Impress, Daily
The clothes you wear can influence your thinking and negotiating skills, if not also your hormone levels and heart rate.
This was even put to the test after researchers asked a handful of folks to dress either formally or casually before cognitive tests were carried out. They found that the former were better at abstract thinking - an important aspect of creativity and long-term strategizing. The researchers seemed to think that this was due to a feeling of ‘power’ that came with the attire.
Another study, conversely, found that men who wore their hand-me-downs were more likely to struggle in negotiations when compared to their snazzily dressed counterparts.
Clothes seem to affect the way we feel about ourselves, because nobody is more conscious about the way you look, than you.
2: Walk Fast, And With Proper Posture
When you look at someone walking you can already tell what type of emotions they are consumed by.
Obviously, feigning confidence while you may not be at your brilliant best may sound like a daunting challenge. But making an effort to get the ball rolling will build a habit that will last forever. Especially if you follow my advice and practice walking at least 30 minutes-a-day.
From your next walk, I want you to try:
walking with a smile on your face; this will always make you look more attractive
making sure you stand tall; doing so has been shown to reduce cortisol and even increase testosterone. How’s that for confidence?
stop entertaining negative thoughts; if you’re a little antsy, distract yourself by thinking of pleasant - even funny - things. You can even have a chat with a dear friend. You’d be surprised how many negative scenarios we make up in our own minds
pick up the pace; because brisk walking has been shown to project confidence.
3: Stop Comparing Yourself To Others
Am I making as much money as X? Why am I still single when Y is my age and married with kids? If these are the types of questions you ask yourself regularly, then you need to stop. Presto.
While social comparison theory suggests that this kind of behaviour is natural, it most likely won’t do you any favours, as far as your self-confidence goes. In fact, one study found a direct link between jealousy and its poor affect on the way we feel about ourselves.
You are who you are, and that’s the way it’s always going to be. The best thing you can do is understand that and comfort yourself with the thought that you have your own, specific potential. Potential that you need to reach. Because time is running out.
Positive reinforcement through journaling and reflection are additional tools you could use to this end.
4: Do Something That Scares You, Every Day
Stop putting off doing things until you are ‘ready’. You were born ready. If you don’t apply for that job, you’ll never get it. If you don’t ask your crush out on a date, she’ll never go out with you. What’s rejection against the haunting, eternal feeling of ‘what if'?’
I tell clients all the time. If you want to get better at bench press, do bench press. If you want to get better at mixed martial arts, practice mixed martial arts. If you want to face your fears more readily, then face your fears every, single day.
5: If You’ve Discovered Something You’re Good At Doing, Keep Doing It
When I was 21 years old, I became a national taekwondo player. This was the culmination of years of training and hard work. Years of grinding, fighting and more than a few tears. Nevertheless, I made it because I stuck with it. I liked it and I became good at it.
When we do things we’re good at, our self-confidence skyrockets. We experience uplifts in mood, if not also our physical strength too. It becomes our niche, our reason why we wake up in the morning. It becomes part of our identity.
Taking part in an activity you are good at could also increase your chances of finding others of a similar mind. In my case, it was my wife, and the mother of my two children.
6: Love Thyself
In my youth, I thought that I could improve my sense of self-worth by pleasing others. Because in my eyes - that was the key to self-acceptance. And if I didn’t succeed, I would berate myself for having failed. For always having done something wrong.
With the passing years, I developed self-compassion. So instead of kicking my own ass for every mistake or failure, I learned to see each ‘problem’ as a challenge to be overcome. Granted, I do falter at times, but I am much better today than I was before.
The relationship between self-compassion and self-confidence was established in a study that concluded that “there was a significant negative relationship between lack of self-confidence and self-compassion, extraversion, openness to experiences, agreeableness and responsibility.”
7: Build A Strong Social Support System
Evaluate how your friends make you feel. Do they bring out the best version of you? If not, you may have some tough decisions to make.
The folks you surround yourself with directly influence your thoughts and attitudes about yourself. This became obvious once I started competing internationally. During this time, the positive reinforcement I received from my coach and team mates helped me reach heights I never thought possible.
Could you imagine what it would have been like to finish a grueling training session without having someone truly believe in your capabilities, as an athlete?
I used my team as a personal example. But the philosophy applies to all relationships. Scrutinise your friendships. Who are the ones really making the cut?
Put so plainly, the seven tips I talked about don’t look like much. But believe me, they can be a game changer as far as self-confidence goes. By making small changes now, you can set yourself on the path to deal with your inner demons, before they deal with you.
